Ingrid Weir

Do You Feel Like a Man When You Push Her Around?

Posted: Tuesday, October 09, 2007

by Ingrid Weir
http://www.facebook.com/ingritaweir

Domestic violence has always been a taboo topic.  Whenever we hear our coupled neighbors or friends fighting, our first instinct is to say, “Not my business.”  Right?
Well, whose business is it then?  

The Abused – “I'm ashamed and afraid”…  “What will people think?”  “I am a failure if I admit that he/she is doing this to me”…  “But I love him/her”…  “It’s just when they are stressed/have been drinking, etc.”  …  Whatever the excuse, “I cannot let anyone know”…  “I will lie, hide, seclude myself, and abandon my friends and family to keep our secret.”

The Abuser – obviously all of the above make this very easy for the abuser.  They prey on your secrecy, shame, and insecurities.

So, what should you do at the first sign of abuse?  Tell everyone… go against all of your basic instincts to withdraw, cover up, and make excuses.  Tell your mother, your father, your best friend, you aunts and uncles, your cousins, the abuser’s family and friends… make sure they KNOW that you will not be silent… they will not get away with it…

Next, GET OUT!  Get away.

The Statistics

What about the Children?


Think Teenager are Exempt?

Find Help:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Operated by the Texas Council on Family Violence

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
http://www.ncadv.org/

Violence Against Women Act
In 1994, with Hillary Clinton’s strong support, Congress passed the landmark Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) as part of the Administration’s crime bill.  The Act established new Federal criminal provisions and key grant programs to direct critical services to victims and to improve the criminal justice system’s response to domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking.  These grants have supported the work of prosecutors, law enforcement officials, the courts, victim advocates, health care and social service professionals, and intervention and prevention programs.  The VAWA was unanimously reauthorized by Congress in October 2005.  http://clinton.senate.gov/news/statements/details.cfm?id=246937&&

For detailed information on the Violence Against Women Act, including privacy laws, visit http://www.epic.org/privacy/dv/vawa.html.

The most important thing to remember, though, if it is your friend or family member, do not turn a blind eye.  How will you feel if your friend turns out to be one of the three who die today? 

Offer support, advice, a way out, an ear just to listen… but whatever you do, be there for them no matter how hard they try to push you away or how vehemently they deny it.

I never really paid attention to this song until the other day when I really listened to the words for the first time…

Artist: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
Song: Face Down.

Hey, girl you know you drive me crazy
one look puts the rhythm in my hand. 
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down. 

Cover up with make up in the mirror
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you. 

Do you feel like a man
when you push her around? 
Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground? 
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found. 

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
every action in this world bear a consequence
If you wait around forever you will surely drown
I see what's going down. 

I see the way you go and say you're right again,
say you're right again,
heed my lecture.

Do you feel like a man
when you push her around? 
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? 
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt she said, this doesn't hurt she said I finally had enough.
Face down in the dirt she said, this doesn't hurt she said I finally had enough.
One day she will tell you that she has had enough.  It’s coming round again.

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around? 
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? 
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found. 

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around? 
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? 
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt she said, this doesn't hurt she said I finally had enough.
Ingrid Weir is a writer, public relations and marketing consultant, graphic and web designer, comedy writer, and activist.

For more information, visit facebook.com/ingritaweir .

This Article has been viewed 8,930 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)
» left by Lois Carlisle
from Simpsonville, SC 4 years 180 days ago.
i think that the useage of the song was wonderful....
» left by 4 years 180 days ago.
Thank you! I thought the song was perfect.
» left by Sandra E. Graham
from Paragould, Ar. USA 4 years 17 days ago.
246 fans.
Good article, Ingrid. Some very insightful and thought provoking points. I have always had a problem understanding why men who abuse their wives or girlfriends do the things they do. If they only knew just how small it really makes them look. SEG
» left by Ingrid Weir 2 years 138 days ago.
40 fans. Follow Ingrid Weir on twitter!
Thank you Sandra... they do it because they feel small and insignificant... it's about power and control. Once you take it away from them by speaking up and leaving, they have no more power. Our voices and words are the most powerful tools we have to fight these atrocities.
» left by Hannah Quinn
from Australia 3 years 326 days ago.
Ingrid, What great advice, especially the 'going against your instinct to cover up and tell everyone!' I wish I had done that. I wasn't beaten but there are many forms of abuse besides being hit. Instead of telling anyone, I worked hard at ensuring everyone thought my marriage was better than average - just as I thought it was going to be. The man I married changed on our wedding night. That's when I should have walked, instead I stayed for 23 years. When I did leave, I felt like I'd been reborn. He's since died, which makes me sad, for him and our children and grandchildren; and I've had to work through a few things, including not whitewashing what he did for all those years. The responsibility is still his even after his demise - mine is with putting up with it and covering it up for so long. And just as a codicil - unless you carry regular bruises, if you stay, no-one (or almost no-one) believes you afterwards! I hope anyone reading this who are themselves, or knows someone who is experiencing abuse does something sooner rather than later. Cheers, Hannah
» left by LeKaren Lockridge from Houston, TX 3 years 181 days ago.

Hannah, forget it, it being your hang up of thinking you were an idiot for staying.  Forget it.  I stayed and I was beaten, severely some days, but guess what, it only makes me a better person now.  It takes the steps of life to make us what we are.  You were strong to stay not weak; you didn’t know that then because if you had you would have left.  Just like me, but I stayed for too long also, finally one day, just like you, I said, “forget this, I’m out of here”.   You did great, now bury him and let him rest, he’s done.  Don’t let him keep you down for the rest of your life!

» left by Anonymous 2 years 89 days ago.
It seems like everyone on here has been hurt in some way or another. Though, I don't see many posts in which case the boyfriend actually physically hurts the other. Well, I am one of those cases. I have been out of that relationship for over a year now and I can't be happier. Your not alone in feeling hopeless, depressed, scared. I went through it all as well. my scenerio was like most, he gets drunk, he forgets who he seems to be talking to. I have been through more physical abuse then I would like to admit or think about. Being out of this situation I am very willing to help anyone who needs advice. Being in an abusive relationship can drain everything good you have in yourself, right out. I am STILL working on being less emotional, being more trusting and the big one, not flinching when someone raises their hand. That was a big one for me because I was so use to ducking hit after hit, that even kids in my classes would raise their hand and I would flinch. Also, to answer, or partially answer the question many have, "why would a man do that?" I learned alot about it from Psychology classes. I learned that the person I was seeing had an incredible personality disorder. Manipulative, charming and sweet on the outside... Until you get to know him.. Well I actually had his next girlfriend contact me asking if what she had heard was true. I told her what happened, in detail, more then I was comfortable giving. She ended up accusing me of lying. Then a month or two later, lo and behold she was contacting me again saying "you were exactly right." She now is pregnant with his second child and is being treated like garbage. Though she won't leave yet, which is what many women do, but even after being in the same situation I still wonder why we stay?.... Well, to make a long story short I am available to help anyone who needs it, or just needs someone to talk to.
» left by Anonymous
 3 years 323 days ago.
Ingrid, thank you so much for your insight in this. I had been dating someone who was always pressuring me to be more available to him. I was hesitant and now I realize why. When I began to respond in a more committed way, he began to treat me like a possession. It finally came to a head at a party at which he didn't like the way I was talking to another man and he pushed me so hard I almost fell down. I broke it off immediately. It is sad because there were so many things about the relationship that brought me joy but I couldn't be past that event. Your thoughts and the responses of the other women here are very healing for me. I know I made the right choice. Thank you and the other women who expressed their thoughts. Susan
» left by Ingrid Weir 2 years 138 days ago.
40 fans. Follow Ingrid Weir on twitter!
Thank you, Susan! I am so glad you got out quickly! Keep spreading the word to others... the more we speak about it, the more power we have!
» left by Anonymous 3 years 263 days ago.
I feel very lost and hopeless. My boyfriend, the father of my son is very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. He is also somewhat violent towards me. I actually had to call the sheriff on him a month ago but the sheriff simply said I provoked him. I don't work and I have had a lot of trouble finding a job. We have our own apt. where I pay all the bills just from my financial aid. I go to school full time. I'm hopeless because I don't want to be with him anymore. I fear for myself and for my one year old son. I don't know how to leave. I have tried contacting domestic abuse centers but no one seems to be able to help me have him removed from my home. My apt. manager knows what is going on but wont work with me. My income is only from financial aid so they wont let me stay without him. I have tried finding a different apt. but because of my being unemployed no one wants to rent to me. I just need help leaving him. Why can't I find help? It seems like everyone is taking his side. I even tried talking to his mother but she simply said that I chose to be with him, and she said she told me God help whomever ends up with my son, so now I must put up with it. I don't want to put up with it anymore. But how do I leave if I can't get out of my lease, if I have no where to go, no family to help me, no job, no money. I feel very lost, lonely, and hopeless. If ANYONE knows of something I could do, please HELP ME!
» left by Ingrid Weir 3 years 262 days ago.
40 fans. Follow Ingrid Weir on twitter!
If you want me to help you find help, personally, send me an email through the form by clicking on the envelope next to my name at the top of the article.  If you provide me with a bit more information such as your location, etc. I will be able to help point you in the right direction.

If you do not feel comfortable doing that, get a restraining order, and the apartments and everyone else will have to abide by it.  Depending on where you are, you may even be able to obtain a temporary protective order rather easily while waiting for a court order.  A TPO should be very easy if there is already any record on file with the Sheriff's office.

Regardless, stay strong and do whatever you can to get out now!  It takes a lot of courage to even ask for help.  Your strength and character will get you through this.
» left by LeKaren Lockridge from Houston, TX 3 years 181 days ago.
Ingrid, if she does respond to you and you need additional help in the Houston, TX area, like a place to stay, I have a house that needs a renter.  Contact me.
» left by LeKaren Lockridge from Houston, TX 3 years 181 days ago.

Dear anonymous, you are on the right path, just by letting people know what is going on.  Please, please, please, if you haven’t gotten in touch with Ingrid, do it now, this minute.  The longer you stay in this relationship, the less likely you are to stay alive.  It’s only a matter of time before it becomes the fatal blow!  Let me know if I can help.

» left by Janice Lecroy
 3 years 140 days ago.
10 fans.
I truelly enjoyed your article Ingrid.... I know all too well about domestic violence... My Mother lost her life due to it.... Keep up the good work... Too many women lose their lives to this terrible crime.
» left by Ingrid Weir 2 years 138 days ago.
40 fans. Follow Ingrid Weir on twitter!
I am so sorry for your loss, Janice... far too many women fall victim, and I am so sorry that your mother did, and obviously you were a victim whether or not he ever touched you... I am truly sorry, and I hope you help to continue to spread the word to empower victims to stand up and become survivors instead!
» left by Anonymous
 2 years 336 days ago.
This article was awesome! The advice you gave is very true. I was going through this myself and I used to believe him that I shouldn't tell anyone. Then one day, I had enough and I told EVERYONE! That was the end of that problem and I found out what was happening to me was wrong and that no one else was dealing with something like I was that I knew. (I told myself it was normal and everyone went through it) Now things are better and I can be happy without being afraid.
» left by Ingrid Weir 2 years 138 days ago.
40 fans. Follow Ingrid Weir on twitter!
Good for you! Living in fear is absolutely unacceptable... way to use your voice! Keep up the good work and help spread the word that no one has to be a victim... I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself!
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