I Grieve Wrong
Posted: Thursday, August 25, 2011
by Ingrid Weir
http://www.facebook.com/ingritaweir
It is no secret that I feel too much. I have always been that way. I would absolutely love to make it stop, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot. As a result, I have been told that I essentially grieve wrong.
Now, how is it possible to grieve wrong? I really did not know that you could until it was brought to my attention. Someone informed me, once, that I feel too sad when a person passes away. This person did not realize how I felt about the person, who had passed because I had never verbalized it to them.
The thing is, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it is tucked under a sweater and only exposed when I feel warm enough to remove said sweater. Those, who have passed, over whom I have grieved (am grieving) deeply undoubtedly knew how much I adored them. However, to the outside world, they may seem simply as an acquaintance or someone with whom I am not that close.
You may ask why I feel the need to explain my reactions to death. After all, it isn’t anyone’s business but my own. However, it adds to the pain when a close friend or family member has that questioning look on their face or tone in their voice when I express the loss I feel. It makes me question whether my feelings for the person were there before they passed, or if it is some odd sense of regret.
I know that there are a lot of attention whores out there, and they become overly dramatic when someone they happened to have spoken to once or twice passes. I learned this when one of the first friends I knew as a kid passed away. Suddenly, everyone was his or her best friend… even the ones who we knew for a fact, the person couldn’t stand.
Now, I did go to a funeral of a total stranger once, with an ex-boyfriend, whose best friend’s father had passed, and I found myself overcome with emotion. However, the emotion I felt was not for the loss of the person. It was for the family and the friends left behind. I will admit that the pain of others is sometimes too much for me to bear – even if they are total strangers. That leads to a considerable amount of embarrassment on my part, as well.
However, when I am grieving for a loved one, who has passed away, there is the combination of the pain their loved ones are feeling and my own, personal loss. Don’t get me wrong. There have been a number of people I knew, who passed, and I was sad for their passing, but I wasn’t devastated because we were not that close. I may have fleeting memories that happen on occasion – sometimes, regret that we were not closer, but nothing like when people I love have passed.
Of course, this goes to the whole idea that others seem to think that they know when someone is close with another person. Just as is the case with my own, personal experience, no one has the right to judge another on how they feel about the loss of someone in their life.&
“The thing is, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it is tucked under a sweater and only exposed when I feel warm enough to remove said sweater. Those, who have passed, over whom I have grieved (am grieving) deeply undoubtedly knew how much I adored them.”
In short, if someone is sad over the passing of a friend, try not to judge. If someone is devastated, try being a friend and helping them in their time of need. Let your friend talk about the other person if they feel up to it. Maybe if you open your mind, you will learn that there is a lot more to your friend and their friend than you had assumed. If you cannot do that, at the very least, try to fake it.
Try to understand that you cannot read your friends’ minds no matter how close you may think you are. Think about it like this; you probably have thoughts and feelings that you haven’t shared with others, too. Even if you do not, that they probably do.
If something doesn’t make sense to you, you aren’t paying enough attention, and if you want to be a true friend, you will start with listening. Remember, you cannot listen if you are making assumptions and judgments. Shut off your mind. Then, open it, and you may learn more about your friend and yourself than you might think.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)I am going to a funeral today as a matter of fact, and have been thinking about your topic. I was not that close to him, but several of my key loved ones were. So, you have your "actual grief", then there is your "perceived grief", and then the social/familial question of "how can I help others grief", and how can I adequately "display" my grief, especially to my loved ones. I would say you have chosen an excellent topic and discussed it well. I am not sure how I will do, but your article has helped me.I am so sorry for your loss and for the loss of your loved ones. Thank you for your kind words. If you feel the need to talk about him or whatever, feel free to share. If not, I understand completely and respect whichever choice you feel is right for you.
There doesn't sound anything wrong to me about how you deal with any of your emotions. And you do a great job articulating your experience, also! As for listening and not judging, I love what you say about it, and so agree with you. Thanks, I enjoyed reading your article.Thank you Jennifer. You are too kind.
Having passion and feeling deeply is an asset. The passing of loved ones is especially difficult and there is no wrong way or right way to grieve. You must go through your own process and time passing will help.I wholeheartedly agree with you there. I think grieving may be one of the few things that practice doesn't make easier. It seems to me that the more times one is put in that situation, the deeper it hurts.
It would be nice to have a handbook and steps to make it go away faster, though... but in that case, I do not think we would be doing justice to those, who have passed.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.Sometimes the hurt is so deep inside you and so much a part of you that it lives with you but everything takes its course and heals too. It's just who you are. It makes you the grand individual you continue to become.That's brilliantly simplistic and complex at the same time. I do not think there is a more perfect way of explaining it. Thank you.
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