How I Terrified Myself out of a Depression
Posted: Wednesday, September 07, 2011
by Ingrid Weir
http://www.facebook.com/ingritaweir
I tried to keep it a secret for a while, but I finally couldn’t anymore. I have been going through hell on earth for the past couple of years. It seemed as though every time I would pull myself out of something, another thing would rear its ugly head. Determined to fix it, I challenged myself publically to do standup comedy.
So, I was lost, and it was so difficult to try to find any enjoyment anywhere on some days. Keep in mind that I have Complex Partial Seizures, so anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications are not an option for me ever. Besides that, I believe in trying to pull yourself out if you can.
Note: I am aware that many people have chemical imbalances and may need medications to help them through major depressive episodes and other psychological issues.
However, absolutely NOTHING helped. I would sit there and watch comedies in the form of movies, television, standup, whatever, and it just would not work.
To make matters worse, having dyslexia, the neurological issues because of the toxic mold were making it so that I could not write. Keep in mind that I have always written. Even if I didn’t publish it, I have always written. However, the dyslexia and aphasia became so bad that I wouldn’t even write for myself for a long time there, which made me feel even more isolated and lost.
It started to feel like I was pulling out of it somewhat after several months of being out of that house and taking massive amounts of certain vitamins in which lab tests showed that I was deficient. So, it seemed like there might have been some hope. My boss was finally back at work, and my teenager was showing improvement. I was starting to be able to kind of write again with the occasional dyslexia/aphasia/word salad symptoms, which was very helpful.
Then, I see on Facebook, where a friend of mine had passed away. Well, it wasn’t definite that it was him. A mutual friend had posted something about her friend of that name. So, what did I do? I remember, now, deciding that I wasn’t going to look into it because I couldn’t take it if he did.
His last text message to me randomly came on a Saturday around noon and said, “You flipping crack me up. I’ll say this much; if I’m having a crap day, all I have to do is look at some of your posts and smile. You are truly loved and blessed. ;)”He was a beautiful soul, and it made no sense for him to have passed away. He was only 32. Over a week went by, and I had completely forgotten that I had even read that on my friend’s post. However, my depression had become so bad that I could barely even function. I kept wondering what was wrong with me – why it had become so much deeper.
Then, my friend texts me one day while at work to tell me that he had died. I was in complete shock – I was devastated… then, over the next two days, it felt as though I was in a fog. I assumed that I was having seizures again, but I didn’t realize I had been for two weeks. The memories started to surface; that I did have an idea that he had passed away. They started to surface on how I had sent him a text to find out how he was doing and wondered why he hadn’t responded.
I realized that I had blocked out my friend’s passing away or the idea of it even, and I had started having seizures again. So, I went to my neurologist and told him what was happening. He, of course, started me back on Trileptal, which has always stopped them within a few days to a week. This made me start to think a little bit more clearly, but even still, if I was alone for even a few minutes, I would begin crying uncontrollably. I found no enjoyment in anything. I didn’t look forward to anything. Nothing made it better.
What Terrified Me into Feeling Better?
I had the motivational preacher, Joel Osteen on the Sunday before last. I could barely even pay attention to him, but suddenly, he started speaking about doing what scares you – doing whatever has been in your heart even if it scares you. Now, most people were fairly shocked when I told them that I had realized that it was standup comedy that was in my heart.Why? I really do not know. I have always had a love and appreciation for comedy – especially live comedy. I do not think there has ever been a time when I turned down an opportunity to see live comedy, and I also realized that comics are about the only people in the world, who seem to ‘get’ me.
So, I posted on Facebook, that if 20 people ‘liked’ my status, that I would do an open mic night. Well, I set the bar entirely too low. Between the ‘Ingrid Weir’ page and my personal profile, the total was upwards of 75. So… I was doing it.
Then, a friend of mine from high school, tells me he needs a comedian the following Sunday. Yes, that is six days to prepare. Did I mention SIX days?! Naturally, I said I would at that, so I began to prepare my set.
The first two days, I couldn’t come up with anything. Then, I turned on some standup on Comedy Central. As soon as he walked out on stage, I had it. Pulled out my laptop and began writing.
I Did It!
We’ll fast-forward a bit here. I went on. I was terrified. I forgot my four best jokes; tons of people gave me advice on what I did right and wrong – mostly wrong. I’m very emotive, and I paced quite a bit and was well… we’ll say demonstrative.
However, the thing that I remembered was that they laughed. The first time I said something and they laughed, I swear I was holding my breath, and it was as though I could breathe for the first time in my life. Omg, there was no high like it. I messed up so badly, but no one booed, and this girl with dyslexia, aphasia/word salad, and social anxiety that has kept her from going to the grocery store on more than one occasion… yes, this girl got up on stage with 6 days to prepare a set.I do not care if they were laughing to be polite – because I was funny – or why. That pulled me out of a depression that was so deep that I felt like I would never be able to leave. In that instant, I let go of all of the things I were hanging on to that did nothing but hold me back. In that moment, I could breathe. In that moment, I was alive. It was amazing. It still is amazing.
The world is suddenly different to me now. Conquering that fear has made it so. Knowing that I could do something that I’ve wanted to do but never thought I could get myself to do it… that changes everything. Even knowing that I didn’t perform as well as I would have liked, I still posted the link on Facebook for the world to see, and I will post it here, too.
Why post the video for everyone? Because that is part of my fear, too… partially failing… and partially that everyone will see me fail. This, however, wasn’t a win or a fail, I do not think; because this was doing something – not talking about it; not thinking about it. This was doing it. This was not backing out. This was amazing.
I highly recommend it if you feel like you have stopped being alive; if you are just going through the motions from day-to-day because you have to, and you aren’t really living, to do what it is that scares you. It most likely isn’t standup for everyone, but just try it. Even if you don’t feel like doing it. Just go ahead and do it. Scare the depression out of you. Depression stops you from living, and I believe that living stops depression.
If you want to see me make a total arse out of myself, the link is here.
Keep in mind that it is unedited, uncut, and the stupid headgear I was wearing for the first time, was stuck in my massive, massive hair.
YouTubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJ9f9S0w1cw&t=6s
If you like me, feel free to like me on Facebook at:
http://www.facebook.com/ingritaweir
Follow me on Twitter at:
http://twitter.com/IngridWeir (@IngridWeir)
This Article has been viewed 1,139 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
More commentsCongrats on facing your fears! Depression is a horrible beast, but I'm glad that you're choosing to battle it head-on. Anti-depressants were never for me either. They made me feel like a zombie. Great article, and thanks for sharing! :DThank you Melissa! It truly is, and while I know that they do work for some people, they aren't even an option for me... so, we have to do crazy things, I guess! LOL
Thanks again! :-)
Glad you shared your walk with your readers!Thank you Marijo! :-)
One word keeps popping up when I read your stuff- Courageous! You evidently have an old and wise soul within that attractive,yet suffering body. You have my admiration and encouragement. Texas is definitely the place for you! Thanks- Always- Ella
Hey Ingrid :)
I loved your article, yeah, this depression! This depression, so present today...IIt is great that you wrote about it, and i am happy for you to have pushed away the depression from you life, now the next time it wants to appear, punch it in the face again! I am sure they were laughing because it was funny! It is very hard to laugh when something is not funny ^^. And the last sentence "Depression stops you from living, and I believe that living stops depression." so epic!
Gonna check your video now haha :)
You have been spiritually pushed to the addictive powers of hearing others laugh; I, too, am addicted to an audience's laughter, as it empowers one to make others that happy.
You seem deep and dark, qualities most attractive.
Rather than see yourself as a victim, you have metamorphosized into a heroine!
Affection,
Paul
The best way to beat Depression is watching Cee-Lo Green's songs.
What an inspiring story! Depression can be dangerously miserable, but you found a way that worked for you to get more perspective. Your journey shows tremendous resolve and resilience. Congratulations on feeling better!
I gotta admit, I thought this article was going to be about a suicide attempt and you COMPLETELY flipped the script and came out with stand-up comedy. It's like a M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie. Very nice, Ingrid....and you GO, girl! I may be inspired by this myself....
Keep it up!
I am a fan of Joel Osteen as well and find him to be very motivational. Congratulations Ingrid on facing your fears. Well done!
Hi Ingrid, so glad you overcome this depression. Who'd of thought by making others laugh it would cure you. You go girl!
Keep well
Kacy
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