Fathers, Teach Your Daughters what Love is or Else!
Posted: Wednesday, September 14, 2011
by Ingrid Weir
http://www.facebook.com/ingritaweir
You know what? I’m angry. I’m angry with parents out there… fathers in particular, but mothers, too. I am angry that fathers teach little girls how they should be treated by significant others, and so many of them are teaching these little girls that they aren’t worthy of love. I am irate at the number of girls, who turn into women, who accept emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, etc. abuse because they do not know any better or they feel like that is love or all that they deserve.
So, if a little girl is familiar with abuse, guess what? She falls in love with someone, who reminds her of her abuser and has no idea that is what is happening.
If she is used to being abandoned, she will be attracted to those, who will abandon her and who will be unable to commit. She won’t even know it. She will think that here is this wonderful guy, who is finally going to love her and take care of her, but guess what?! It’s the same guy, who will ultimately do just that.
What about the times that she finds herself attracted to someone with whom she might have a viable relationship? Those ones, she will sabotage without even realizing it. She will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why? Because she cannot be abandoned if she never lets them get close enough…
And of course, the ones that she lets in are the ones that she knows deep down that they will abandon her. This reinforces her belief that she is not worthy of love, and in a strange way, the familiarity makes her feel better… while at the same time, all she craves is someone to love her and someone to love, who will never leave her. But because of the self-beliefs she has because of whatever happened to her with the father figure in her life, she will never let it happen.
I say never, but we never say never, right? She will never let it happen until she breaks the chain of behavior and beliefs. If she doesn’t, and she has children, those children will grow up the same way, and the cycle will keep on going forever until someone stops and says, “ENOUGH!”
It is so important for both the parental figures of children and for the victims to recognize these patterns of behavior. Hopefully, fathers will actually stop and think about how devastating their behavior can be to their children’s entire lives…
And if the fathers are too selfish and uncaring to change their behavior, it is up to the victim to stop it. It is up to them to stop the behavior and stop these people from being in their lives. It is difficult for them because they ar
“You have more value than you could ever imagine. If you do not believe that, then make a list. Change everything you can about your life and yourself that you do not like. Keep working on that list until you realize that YOU are worthwhile.”
If something keeps happening to you, then it’s not them. It’s YOU! That’s right. You are the one, who picks them. Stop it now and choose you. Choose to be the role model that you hope will make others’ lives better. Show others that you will not take it! Show them that you are better than you have ever been treated. Others do not decide your value. You do!
If you do not believe that, then let me tell you. You have more value than you could ever imagine. If you do not believe that, then make a list. Change everything you can about your life and yourself that you do not like. Keep working on that list until you realize that YOU are worthwhile.
Note: These changes are not plastic surgery.You may feel like you need to go to school, work out more, floss, move out of your parent’s, or whatever it is that will make you feel better. You are worth making these changes. Do it for yourself, and do it for everyone around you to see.
Fathers or father figures, it is never too late to be a daddy to your little girl. I still need my daddy, and I will never stop. If you’ve already screwed up, then fix it! NOW! It isn’t too late. Stop the bleeding and fix it. Start with acknowledging what you did and apologize!
Teach that little girl – no matter how old she is – that she is loved and worthy of being loved. Teach her what it is like to find someone, who really loves her, so she stops searching for it in the wrong places. She will never know how to recognize it unless she’s seen the real thing.
Side Note Here: If you are a girl with daddy issues, you will most likely be attracted to older men. That’s all good and well except that most older men, who are attracted to very young women have issues of their own. Control issues and inferiority complexes are the most common here, which translates into what?! Ding, ding, ding! That’s right, abusive behavior.
No matter how sexy, smart, mature, whatever he tells you that you are, it doesn’t matter because he’s a creeper. If you are in your teens or early 20’s, and there’s a guy that is 10+ years older than you coming after you, run! Run now and run fast because it’s going to most likely hurt in the long run.
I know that both parents are important in the development of a child into an adult – no matter the sex of either. I am writing about the father/daughter relationship at this time, though, and I will write about the others some other time when I feel particularly passionate about it, as well.
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)Great advice and especially well written. You are right on the money here!
Very interesting article, a lot to learn from it! Congratulations!
Hi Ingrid,
There is much to what you say, and I don't disagree with it. However, it is only part of the story. I don't think most fathers are uncaring, abusive or only interested in chasing younger women, thereby setting a poor example for their daughters. Many are gentle, kind, loving and sometimes this in itself is poor training for their daughters. If a man wants to take care of his daughter to the extent that he fails to teach her she can take care of herself, he is doing her a great harm. If he wants to handle the difficult things, tells her all the time she is beautiful, teaches her she is delicate and special, then he is setting her up for the harsh reality that is often life. Indifference, a lack of interest and participation, no matter how benign, is again another poor teacher. Some have all the moral intention but not enough of the moral fortitude needed to shore up a daughter's belief in her own worth. In my own case, I always knew, know now that my father loved me and he gave me kindnesses he didn't give to the others. It made me feel special, but he failed me greatly. He did not protect me. He did not know how, because my main abusers were living in the family, my mother and my eldest brother in particular. A church elder in a small community spoke firmly to my father about letting me walk home from work in the dark and from then on, my father always came and picked me up. He finally addressed the incestuous abuse I experienced when on his death bed when he told my husband that people who experienced something like that needed understanding. I'd been married nearly 20 years by then. He'd never spoken to me about it and even though I was in the room, he didn't speak to me about it then either. He loved me, and I love him still. But he as much as anyone else in my family, set me up for many of the problems I had in life, including a failed marriage.
I don't know that it is only up to the father to teach a girl that she is worthwhile and capable, has rights as well as responsibilities, and deserves to be treated well, not spoilt, but with respect and decency. I think a strong mother or mother figure who is sure of herself is an equally powerful or alternative teacher. Father's go along way towards creating such a reality in his daughter, of course. It goes without saying that the majority of successful women are first born children and had/have a father who has taken an active interest in them. I don't know that it always relates to successful relationships, however, but I don't doubt it goes a long way towards ensuring women don't stay in abusive relationships.
Like all things human, however, it is never a simple as black and white. Sometimes the child victim grows up with the inner strength to break the cycle of abuse even without strong role models in their immediate or intimate circle.
Ingrid, I hope your article reaches the people that desperately need it. If I had read it 35 years ago, it could have saved me a few mistakes and a bit of grief.
Interesting article Ingrid. Parents, and how they treat their children (sons and daughters) have a huge impact on the type of life partner their children will choose. But whose to say how it impacts them. As much as daughters may end up with a man much like their father, many find a partner the very opposite. It's an individual thing, I think. As for age differences in couples, sometimes it works. However, I know you're referring to something much different and you gave good advice when you said run.
hi ingrid, 5 stars (still getting used to them)
i can testify that what you are saying is correct, because i lived a lot of it.
and then, i picked the opposite, and that didn't work, and then i picked the same, and that has had it's bumps (alright volcanoes), but we are progressive, and learning to abandon the uncomfortable ways in which one can argue their life away for all the reasons you mentioned, and from one generation, to the next, if someone doesn't wise up and stop it. thank you for sharing your thoughts,
my best to you,
sue
"Show them that you are better than you have ever been treated." This is the first and hardest step to coming back after being abandoned by a parent. Luckily, I was never abused, and my heart goes out to anyone who was a victim to any kind of sexual abuse or attack. However, my dad walked out, and it took me decades (I just turned 29 this year) to realize that I was better and deserved better than a father who chose to walk out. This pivotal life moment had impact on not only life partners I would choose but how I chose to view myself. Both have changed drastically in the last few years. Great article, and I wish I could have read it sooner. Thanks for sharing this.
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